Day 6

Day 6


Baby Wittenberg is 18 weeks old today. At our ultrasound on Wednesday, baby still had a strong heartbeat and was measuring big. The fluid measurements indicated an increase of 1.4 cm from 3.2 to 4.6. The doctor attributed this to possible variations in measurement techniques and reminded us that it takes at least 8 cm of fluid for baby to develop properly.

Yesterday was a more difficult day, I lost a good amount of fluid and it became clear that the rupture has not sealed at this point making it increasingly unlikely that it will. The loss of fluid has caused significant and constant uncomfortable pressure in my pelvic area.

While the loss of fluid makes it more difficult for baby to move, its movements are no longer cushioned. As a result I felt baby for the first time yesterday. Normally a monumental and joyous milestone in a pregnancy, this event brought me to tears once again. I can’t help but wonder how hard baby had to struggle to cause that flutter in my tummy; I wonder if baby is suffering and again questioned every decision we’ve made.

So that brings me to the question everyone asks…how are we feeling. It is so much easy to recount the stories than to try to articulate our emotions…but I will try.

Mostly, I feel sad and broken. The overwhelming grief makes it difficult to concentrate, sleep and even breathe sometimes.

I obsess on whether we are making the right decisions, knowing that as much as we are trying to leave this completely in God’s hands, every choice we make potentially affects the outcome. Lying here in bed could prolong the pregnancy, which may be prolonging our child’s suffering. Taking a shower could cause more fluid to leak which makes it more difficult for baby to develop. Not taking a shower could increase the odds of infection for both baby and I.

At first it seemed more black and white. We chose not to induce labor and terminate the pregnancy, trusting that in His time God’s Will would be done. Six days in, it has become clear that there are new and difficult decisions everyday – decisions we feel unequipped to make.

Our decision to “wait” flies in the face of medical science – the statistics are not in our favor. It seems with each new medical professional we encounter, we again are fighting for our faith in the midst of another grim prognosis. Notice that I said for our faith and not our baby. `Baby Wittenberg is in already God’s hands be it here on earth or in heaven – as difficult as this is…it remains a guiding principle as we walk through this process.

Might God choose to intervene tomorrow and heal my body and our baby – maybe (and that is my daily prayer). Might God choose to take our child’s life at any moment and spare baby all the struggles and suffering in this world – maybe. Might God choose not to intervene at all and allow earth, nature and free-will to continue to unfold – maybe. In any case, I choose to stand firm on the God I know and have experienced time and time again… God is good and faithful. To Him be all the glory and may His will be done here on earth as it is in heaven above.

Thank you all for your encouraging words and support during this difficult time. We feel truly blessed and appreciate your kindness more than we could ever express.

Carie Anne